Golf Jokes

Great Golfisms

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.

Here are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
- Lee Trevino

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question: 'Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?' she asked the instructor. 'P-u-t-t is correct,' he replied. 'Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.'

Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum

Life in the Trap

The "Life In theTrap" golf cartoon changes about twice a month. Check with us often.

Two Priests are Having Lunch...

Two priests are having lunch. One priest says to the other priest, "I have sinned. I have used profanity." Startled, the other priest tells him it might be ok in reference to the text it was used. He tells him that he was playing golf. The following conversation ensued...

Her Diary

Her Diary,
We played golf together today. On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof.

Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your dog died."
"My dog? - Dead? - The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."

The Saturday Round

Two of my young buddies, Mark and Ron called and said they wanted to play golf on Sunday morning. All three of us knew it would take some special maneuvering to convince our ladies to let us do it but we all agreed to try.

Father Phelan was an avid golfer.

It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising.
The good Father couldn't resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass...

You've been playing off the red tees all week

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive.

Union Strike

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

Free Clubs

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks.

A Quick Round of Golf

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

A Pastor, a Doctor and an Engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him...

A Golfer in Ireland...

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad slice into the woods. Looking for His ball, he discovered a leprachaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his bag and helped the little fellow to drink, eventually reviving him.

Stranded on a Deserted Island

A fellow has been stranded on a deserted island for 10 years, and this one fine day while relaxing on the beach, he looks out onto the water and notices something different, but can't quite make it out, he keeps looking and wonders to himself ...

18 Reasons Why Golf is Better Than Sex

18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

18 - You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 - If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf...

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty, But in Golf Aren't

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker...

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is, "Top o the morning to you young fella!" more...

Ed and Judy

Ed and Judy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation...